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Mind Surfing
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9 June 2016 - 11:32, by Laura Carroll, in Mind Surfing
This following entry is a meditative writing exert from my personal journal. There is something so liberating in just allowing your thoughts to flow from mind to paper exploring the creativity and wisdom within. I hesitated before sharing this with you, but my hesitation means what I’ve written, is honest. It’s a window into my soul, unedited and real, so I decided to share. Be warned, there is no real order to anything I’ve written, nor may it make much sense but it doesn’t need to.
Welcome to my mind…
Change? Why do you scare me so? What is it in the unknown that holds power to debilitate me?

The anxiety I feel in the present for something that has not yet happened zaps the energy from my body and spirit. Energy wasted on a thought.

Fear? How do I overcome you? What is it that I fear most? Death or failure?

For so many years I’ve tried, tried and tried to make something of myself but constantly I struggle. My success thus far is not enough. I’m hungry to be more than I am. Truthfully I want to experience some of the material pleasures in life as part of the fruits of my success. “Hello small self!” I know this is YOU talking. The tall ‘S’ knows better than to fall into the pit of superficial satisfaction. The tall ‘S’ knows that material fulfilment will not sustain. But still, I want it.

So many hurdles I put in my path. Why? Why? Why? How do I overcome them? They always seem to be the same, like a flickering movie reel on repeat. What am I missing? What am I not seeing? What am I not hearing?

Maybe, if I stop focusing on what’s wrong, there’ll be more space for what’s right. Hmmm, food for thought.

What is right or wrong anyway? Who really decides? Who really knows?
Everything is just a perception in the eyes of the beholder.

Beholder of what? My soul. Each soul sees the world through a different coloured lens. My lens is multi-coloured, changing minute to minute to minute, hour to hour. Thank god for change, but why am I so afraid of it? On the plus side, where there’s fear, there’s excitement. Change, I embrace it and I reject it at the same time. Will it bring me good fortune or misfortune? I guess it all depends on the colour of my lens.

This shit music is making me lose my train of thought. Oh, what the hell, just go with it.

Irritation, where does it come from? From what depth of my being does it rise? How long has it been there? What caused it? How would I know? I’ve been told that it’s residue from past events. Shadows of our life festering in our vessel, holding power over us year after year until we finally decide to deal and let go. Some cans of worms are too painful to open.

I’m an emotional time traveller triggered by something now, sent back in time to a moment of great hurt, pain, anger, fear, love. Stay or run away, it’s your choice. If you run, I’ll be waiting for you.

Source, where do I find you? The source of what? Self sabotage. I’m good at that, I’ve always been my own worst enemy paralysed by fear of failure and the opinions of others, so needy for praise. No more, I’m putting my foot down. Something needs to change, I’m tired of this victim bullshit. I want to break free! I want to love and appreciate the person I am today, not the one I wish to be in the future. I haven’t met her yet. One day at a time, slow and steady.

Going off track but I guess that’s the nature of the mind. Getting back to the source of our reactions. What we really react to is trauma, past or present. But how do we find the source? Through meditation of course! The magical solution to all our problems. Then why is it so fucking hard to do? When I meditate I honestly love it, but my mind gives me every excuse in the world not to go back to it. “Freakin monkey mind give me a break!” “Well maybe if you meditated more I would!” There’s an angel VS devil convo going on in my head right now. Random.

The deep knowing, it’s in me. I’ve felt it before. I want to call upon it more and more, and for that I need to listen. Listen to whom? It can be called many names, wisdom, spirit guide, god, intuition. This wisdom I follow is not mine alone, it’s a collective force gifted to me. The helping hand of the universe guiding me each step of the way, but only if I’m open and I listen. You’ve gotta listen.

Wisdom, god, spirit guide… This leads me to the topic of faith. Oh the old ‘F’ word. What do you mean to me? Faith, where is my faith? Whom or what do I put my faith in? In myself? In god? Who is god? What is god? I’ve asked myself for many years. I admire people with indestructible faith. To truly believe in something brings peace to a disturbed mind. Will my intellect allow me to believe? I’m not sure, but my heart might. I guess I need more than books and the influence of tribes. I need actual experience. For now I think I’ll put my faith in me, in my spirit. I know that’s real for I’ve felt it.

Self-doubt; the hurdle I keep fumbling over. How can I believe in myself, if I doubt myself? Belief and doubt simultaneously. Is that even possible? Apparently so. It’s a battle of the darkness against the light. May the light prevail. May it lead me out of the shadows and onto my one true path. That’s the secret, the path I’m on has always been leading me to my destiny. Just keep walking.

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